


You're The One Talking To Yourself

by emmathehoe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gay Remus Lupin, M/M, Post-Sirius Black's Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:53:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28774140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmathehoe/pseuds/emmathehoe
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 5





	You're The One Talking To Yourself

“I know you were best friends,” Tonks said softly, her hand brushing against Remus’.

“Yeah,” was all Remus could seem to say. He had not spoken much at all after that night.

Tonks smiled at him and leaned over to kiss his cheek. “I’m so sorry, love.”

“‘S okay.”

“Will you be okay to go on missions again? If not, I’ll talk to Moody and we can sort it out,” she said.

“I’m okay, thanks Dora,” he said, trying to fake a smile so she wouldn’t feel dismissed.

“Anything you need,” she said.

It was obvious that she had a crush on him. Plainly obvious, and had been for the last year. Remus thought it was sweet. He and Sirius had some good laughs about it before he died, Tonks being his second cousin and all.

“God, imagine you, Moony, marrying a woman. Ha!”

“Never gonna happen, Padfoot.”

Remus thought long and hard about the possibility of getting with Tonks after Sirius died. He had had sex with women before, and it was fine. And Tonks was cute! She was sweet, and obviously cared about him. And the idea of being able to settle down was comforting to Remus. A long time ago he had made peace with the fact that he would never be able to get married or truly settle down with a partner because of his sexuality. But maybe, if he could just try…

He kissed her. He kissed her and she kissed back.

When they pulled back, Tonks laughed, her hand still cupped around Remus’ cheek. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to do that.”

Remus could only smile. The pain of losing Sirius could go away easier if he rebounded. He knew that from fifteen years ago when he went to Azkaban. Maybe this time his rebound could be Tonks.

-

“What are we?” Tonks asked one day.

Remus couldn’t help but laugh. Sometimes she would say things that sounded so young, so childish. He was reminded of his school days when he was around her. “We’re friends.”

Her finger traced across his jaw and she said, “I’d like to be more.”

“Oh,” he said.

“What?” She asked, alarmed.

He sighed and scooted away from her. “I’m sorry, Dora. I thought we were on the same page that this was just a… casual thing? I’m sorry.”

“Wait, what? So we had sex and you thought it was just casual?!”

“Yes,” he said. “You must know that this would never work out between us truly…”

She glared at him for what felt like minutes. She finally spoke, in a harsh tone. “You confuse me, you know that? I just told you I want you and you say that it won’t work out? Why?”

He knew he was on thin ice. He did not want her to know the true reason for him not wanting to be with her, which was that he was gay. And he thought that he could try being with a woman but having sex with her and her touching his face was just not the same as with men, and confirmed what he always knew, which was that he was gay.

“I’m too old for you,” is what he finally came up with. Which was true.

“What.”

“You’re young, you’re beautiful, you have such a long life ahead of you- truly, I’m not good enough for you,” he said. He noticed tears forming in her eyes and her hair beginning to turn a dark red colour. “Oh, please don’t be upset. There’s so many guys out there for you. I promise. But you deserve someone better than me.”

“But I want you,” she cried.

He frowned, not knowing how to respond again. He was a horrible liar and he knew it. He let her grab his hand.

“You’re the one I want, Remus. I know you want this too,” she said.

The colour drained from his face and he let go of her hand. “I am so sorry. I don’t know how I can ever apologize enough. But I can’t. I’ll see you at the next meeting?”

“Yeah, sure,” Tonks said.

“Alright.” He left the room and went back to his flat.

-

“Why are you doing this to Nymphadora?” Molly Weasley said, after backing Remus into the broom closet at the Burrow.

“What? Doing what?” Remus asked, genuinely very scared of Molly.

“You broke her heart,” she said.

He furrowed his brow and rubbed his temple. “Molly…”

“She’s been here all the time crying about you!” She pointed a finger in his face and said, “You better fix this or else.”

“She’s twenty-three! I’m thirty-six. How is that supposed to work out?” Remus said, again, on very thin ice of spilling the secret which he was insistent on keeping, He had a very loud mouth and a very thick tendency to not lie.

“She wants you. You can’t just go around having,” she lowered her voice, “sex,” she returned to her normal volume, “with people and expect them not to want to date you!”

Remus suddenly felt very guilty.

Like he said, she was twenty-three. God, he was an asshole. He remembered how he was at twenty-three. Thinking he knew everything about life, but was really a very naive, innocent person who wore his heart on his sleeve. He actually saw a lot of himself in Tonks.

“You’re right, Molly. I’m sorry. I’ll apologize.”

-

**Hey, Moony.**

_Hi Sirius._

**Getting married, huh?**

_Yes._

**Why?**

_Because I want to._

**No you don’t.**

_Yes I do. Leave me alone, Sirius._

**You’re the one talking to yourself.**

_Touche._

**So, why are you getting married?**

_Well, I thought it’d be nice to settle down. Have a normal life, for once. And she likes me, so why not?_

**Do you love her?**

_Yeah, of course I do. I wouldn’t be marrying her if I didn’t._

**Hmmm…**

_What?!_

**I seem to suspect a bit of hesitation in your declaration of love to her.**

_Oh, shut up. You’re dead. Am I not allowed to find love again?_

**You are. Same old stubborn Moony.**

_I told you to leave me alone. I’m about to get married._

**And I told you, I can’t leave you alone. I am literally a figment of your imagination.**

_Okay._

**Would you be marrying her if I was alive?**

_What?_

**I said, would you be marrying her if I was alive? Let’s say we broke up, and she came onto you. Would you be marrying her?**

_No, probably not._

**Interesting.**

_Huh?_

**Just go get married. Have fun!**

_Padfoot!_

**Bye!**

-

Pregnant?! No. No. This could not be happening! He was in no way ready to be a father. And there were so many reasons why having a kid could be fatal to him.

On the one hand, what if he passed on his lycanthropy? That would be awful! He would be no better than his own father if that happened. Would his child grow to resent him, the way he had resented his?

And then on the other hand, now he was stuck with his wife, forever. He now did not have a choice to leave and be his true self. He could not do that to her or the child.

How could he ever come back from this? How could anything make this okay?

But he found an out very quickly- he knew where Harry was! He knew that Dora would totally understand if he “had” to go with Harry on the mission to destroy the horcruxes, it was the perfect way out!

But alas, Harry was more like James than Remus had ever realized.

So, he was back with Dora. A pretty girl she was. A nice, upturned nose, pretty almond shaped eyes, and a nice personality. She made Remus laugh, which was nice. Never as hard as Sirius could make him laugh. No one ever could, really.

**That’s so sweet of you to say!**

_Shut up, Padfoot._

**Ah, but I cannot do that you see, for I am only in your brain. So, what’s on your mind? Care to take a bath? Order some takeaway? Want a massage?**

_Shut up. My wife will be awake any minute now._

**Yes, because you’ve given into society’s norms and decided to marry a woman. I’ve forgotten.**

_And I have a child on the way._

**Name him after me, won’t you?**

_I hate you, Padfoot. You know that?_

**Aw, why?**

_Just leave me alone._

**You know you love me.**

_Of course I love you, that’s why I need you to leave me alone._

**Alright, I’ll leave you be.**

_Thanks._

…

**Hey, Remus?**

_Stop. Please._

**Why?**

_Because you left! You were careless, reckless that night… you left me to figure all this shit out on my own! I loved you, Pads! I loved you so goddamn much and you just left me!_

…

**Feel better?**

_Fuck you._

**Hey… okay. I didn’t mean to leave you. Honest. If I could, I’d grow old with you. I’d do anything to do that. But that’s not a possibility, so I need you to let me go, okay? Be there for your wife, your kid. You don’t have to forget me, but try to be better for Dora.**

_… Okay._

**I’ll see you around, then?**

_… Okay. Thank you. I love you._

  
Remus opened the door to his and Dora’s bedroom, and sat at the end of the bed. And he let himself cry. Cry, and cry until he physically could not anymore.

“Remus?”

“Dora?”

“You’re back,” she said simply. “Are you okay?”

He shook his head and crawled up next to her, his head next to her stomach. “I am so sorry.” He kissed her stomach. “I am so sorry, Dora. Please forgive me.”

She put a hand on his head. “What are you apologizing for?”

“For wanting to go,” he said. He placed his head on her stomach. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said.

_Thanks, Sirius._

No response.


End file.
